


When it Matters - and how to get there

by WanderingBandurria



Series: 5+1 things in the first war [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 5+1 Things, Boys Kissing, Consent is Sexy, Dirty Talk, Feelings Realization, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Kinda?, Kissing, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Mistletoe, Multi-Era, Oblivious Remus Lupin, One Shot, Polyjuice Potion, Post-Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, So many tropes, Trapped In A Closet, no genderbend tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:29:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25362421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WanderingBandurria/pseuds/WanderingBandurria
Summary: Five times Remus and Sirius kissed without meaning to. And the one time they meant it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: 5+1 things in the first war [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2059119
Comments: 38
Kudos: 268





	When it Matters - and how to get there

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Oh wow, so yet again, I intended to write a short, fluffy-and-trope-y fic, and ended up with an out of control, over 9,000 words monster. All fluff though, I promise!
> 
> The levels of love that I feel for the people that helped me with this can't be measured. Not only I have an AMAZING beta (love you, LikeABellThroughTheNight, you are amazing), who puts up with all my nonsense, and is always willing to go with my flow, but I also had the invaluable help of [swottypotter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/swottypotter/works) who gave this a look to help me figure out the rhythm (and corrected some of my everlasting grammatical mistakes). I highly recommend all of you to go read her fics! Thank you so much, both of you!
> 
> So, even when all this help, since English is not my first language, there might still be some mistakes that are completely mine, so please, if you spot any, let me know in the comments! I love learning more about English and improving my writing skills is important for me! So just be kind and you'll have my gratitude for the rest of your existence. 
> 
> Well. I had a lot of fun writing this, so I hope you have fun reading!!

**1\. Third year.**

“What the fuck!” Remus squeaks when Sirius’s mouth slams against his, almost knocking him to the ground in the middle of a corridor. They had stopped to catch their breaths; curfew was close and they had gotten caught up mapping the Ravenclaw tower. Getting back on time was the only thing on Remus’ mind when Sirius turned and crashed into him.

Sirius grabs his shoulders and pushes, but their mouths stay firmly together.

“Why, Remus, I had no idea you could utter words like that! It’s the first time such inappropriate things have come out of your mouth, isn’t it?” Sirius jokes while manhandling him, making Remus groan deep in his throat at the weird pull and push of his lips against Sirius’.

“Fuck off, Sirius,” Remus says pragmatically, trying to talk by the corner of his mouth to avoid any accident, like pulling Sirius’ lip in between his own. “You’ve heard me curse before. Now, whatever charm you are using, you’d better make it stop,” he adds with an edge, feeling his eye twitch when he looks at Sirius and sees the laughter hidden behind his pupils.

“I’m not doing this, Remus!” Sirius starts laughing, making Remus’ mouth open painfully. He bares his teeth dangerously, even though Sirius can’t see them, and tries to resist Sirius’ lips’ pull with his jaws clenched. 

“Sto _f it,_ you _d_ erk,” he groans with his teeth still pushing together, his lips stretched in the shape of Sirius’ smile.

“ _Derk?”_ Sirius questions with just a hint of a smile that Remus can only feel. Sirius’ eyes are soft and happy. “Did you mean _berk,”_ he says, pushing his lips forward with the _b_ in a kissing motion, making Remus swat at him, “or _jerk_?” 

“Doesn’t _m_ atter,” Remus mutters, making a show of pronouncing the _m_ with his lips tightly together, “they _v_ oth work,” and even though it’s silly, he starts laughing against Sirius’ lips at the sound of the word, and he can’t stop now that he has Sirius’ eyes lighting up with mirth and focused on him. 

Sirius puts a hand over Remus’ shoulder. Remus’ lips tingle a bit after the fit of laughter, the muscles of his face tired. Sirius’ hand is warm and makes Remus feel calm and grounded.

“You know what? I think this is the Christmas charm the Prewetts have been boasting about for the past two weeks. It’s kind of an extreme version of mistletoe, isn’t it?”

Remus hums, and feeling completely idiotic, takes his wand off his pocket, and mutters “finite incantatem.” Nothing happens. He groans and tries again, focusing on the magic that he feels between them.

Still nothing.

“What if…?” he mutters to himself, and is about to cast the Severing charm - _skin can regrow in no time with Madam Pomfrey,_ he thinks, when Sirius’ hand stops his wand movement.

“Don’t you dare, Remus,” he mutters against his lips, eyes full of intensity when Remus looks at him. “I’m not losing the feeling in my lips just because you are too ashamed to be seen with your mouth stuck on mine.” 

Sirius’ hand stays firmly on his wrist until Remus groans and mutters an exasperated “okay, okay.” He puts the wand back in his pocket.

“If this is like mistletoe,” Sirius starts, and Remus looks back at him, confused, until his mind makes sense of what Sirius is trying to say. He yelps.

“Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.”

“Come on, Remus, it can’t be worse than this. We are already practically kissing!” Sirius adds, his eyes full of glee, his voice calm, like what he’s implying is perfectly reasonable.

“It’s _not_ the same” he grumbles, “definitely _not -”_ but he’s cut in the middle of the _not_ , because Sirius takes the opportunity that the _n_ gives to reposition his lips between Remus’ - and Gods be damned, but _now_ Sirius can move his lips? for this? - while grabbing him softly by the shoulders. 

Remus rolls his eyes and kisses back. Who cares, now? Nobody has run into them yet, and if this can break the charm, well, it’s better than running to the infirmary with their lips stuck together.

Sirius moves his lips softly, barely wet, and Remus follows him. It’s kind of nice - not half as bad as he thought it might be, but still a bit weird if you ask him.

A few seconds later, Sirius tries to pull away. He gets to his lips resting against Remus’, nothing more.

“Oh, you have to be _fucking_ kidding me,” Remus groans. Sirius just looks surprised that it didn’t work.

They are startled by James Potter’s laughter at their side. Both of them try to turn at the same time, barely managing to move their faces.

“James!”, Sirius yells against his mouth. “Come on, mate, stop it! You have to help us!”

Still laughing, James manages to throw the invisibility cloak over their heads before saying with a smug tone “There, solved.”

\---

**2\. Fifth year**

“Alright, would one of you finally tell me what’s going on?” Remus says, banging the dorm door for the first time in his life, casting a locking spell over his shoulder because he needs to know what the hell is going on - _right now, please_ \- and he doesn’t want interruptions. He’s not leaving without an explanation from his stupid best friends this time.

His eyes meet James Potter’s mischievous gaze, and before he can say anything else, Sirius jumps in front of him and saying, “Moony, look!”, turns into a dog. 

_A fucking_ _dog._

“What the _fuck?”_ Remus wheezes, starts shaking, and tries to catch James’ eye for reassurance that this is _real._ James winks, says “Won’t need to be alone on the full ever again, eh, mate?” and turns into a deer. 

So of course, with no other option, it is time to turn to Peter for an explanation. Peter just sniggers and smiles, somewhat proud of himself. Remus barely registers that the _fucking dog_ _is chewing on his robes_ before he is startled again when in the place of Peter, there’s a rat that quickly climbs onto the deer’s head.

And it suddenly clicks. The dumb nicknames they’ve been using since last year. The long hours they went missing throughout last winter. The weird _month_ they looked like there was bile in their mouths and where Peter even looked like his mouth wasn’t properly working anymore. He looks down at the dog that is barking and wagging its tail at him.

“Padfoot?” he manages to say before tears start prickling his eyes. He bats at them, but they keep coming with James’ words repeating in his head; _won’t need to be alone on the full._

The dog whimpers and jumps on his chest with its front paws, and Remus can’t do much more than laugh and hug it by the muzzle, surprised at the soft fur where his fingers sink. After a few seconds of crying quietly with his nose shoved in the dog’s hair, he falls on his knees, because it’s a fucking heavy dog - and he makes sure to tell Padfoot. The dog huffs, still more human than dog, and wagging its tail, starts licking his face, pushing with all its strength until Remus falls back.

“Padfoot! Stop it, you ass -” he says, unable to stop laughing. The situation is surreal; he has a heavy dog settled on top of him, licking his face enthusiastically, with a deer and a rat looking at them and making weird noises that well, he believes are the animal versions of laughter. 

A dog, by the way, that is one of his best friends.

He tries to push the dog back by the muzzle, but it yelps and pushes its weight more fully over him, pushing its tongue all over his nose, cheeks and mouth even more insistently. Remus is sure it’s doing that only to upset him, but he can’t stop laughing. 

“Padfoot!” he yelps back again, freezing in the middle of the word when, instead of the dog tongue slobbering on his face, he has _Sirius’_ _tongue_ in his mouth - properly into his mouth, licking his open, laughing lips.

“Shit, I lost it,” Sirius says, cheekily, laughing while still on top of Remus, pulling his tongue out of Remus’ mouth like it was nothing. 

Remus is frozen and feels a blush taking over his face - he tries to push Sirius off him yet again, but Sirius pushes down, now in his human form, crossing his arms over Remus’ chest, looking at him with shiny eyes and a pleased smile. Remus looks over Sirius’ shoulder to see Peter laughing with all his might while supporting himself on James, who’s drying tears of mirth from his eyes, his glasses over his forehead.

“We still have to perfect the transformation, but we’ll be ready for the next full moon. What do you think, Moony?” Sirius asks, full of excitement, and Remus feels the shame fading away, being replaced by affection - because _how amazing are his friends, and how stupid, and how irresponsible, and how much does he love them_. He can feel tears pooling in his eyes yet again, so he just nods, and making a final effort, manages to sit up, pushing Sirius by the shoulders. He changes his mind in the middle of the process and pulls him back into his arms, embracing him tightly. He sinks his nose in Sirius’ shoulder and keeps nodding, jerking his head mechanically.

“It’s amazing, Padfoot,” he manages to stutter. “Thank you so much.”

\---

**3\. Sixth year**

“Moony, Please, PLEASE. I need you, mate. You know we can be wankers and the only rational one amongst us is you. Would you leave us to our own devices? What if I royally fuck it up?” James pleads, eyes huge behind his glasses.

“Oh, quit the flattery, James. This _is_ fucking it up!” Remus sighs and tries to stay angry, because he knows this is really stupid, but he can feel his resolve crumbling. “I really don’t see how this might help you with Lily. Because it doesn’t,” he adds resolutely.

James looks to the ground, ashamed.

“I know, mate,” he adds in a small voice that is full of sorrow and humility. “I need to get over her, that’s why I have to do this. I need to see that she’s happy - and that’s it, I promise! But you know I need you there, or I might lose my mind at some point.”

Remus has no words. James Potter is fucking _growing_ , who would have thought. He’s growing in his own weird way, but _actually_ changing - taking other people’s perspectives into account, realizing that he might need help sometimes. 

“Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence, mate,” Sirius mumbles, pretending to be angry, but his eyes are flashing with held-back-laughter. 

“C’mon, Moony!” and Remus is surprised that it’s Peter who’s talking excitedly, the vial in his hands shaking a bit. Peter has a soft spot for potions, even if he’s not that good at them - not good enough to be in Slughorn’s orbit, that is, although he’s brilliant in his own way. “Aren’t you curious about Polyjuice, at least? I always wanted to see if it works all the same in werewolves!” he adds, chirpy.

“Peter, for fuck’s sake, what’s wrong with you?” Sirius swats at the small boy. Peter winces at the realization of what he just said.

“It’s going to be okay, Moony,” James adds quickly, his eyes earnest and honest. “We did our research. It’s perfectly safe, we promise.”

And Remus believes him, which is not odd at all. Maybe it’s a Marauder’s thing: none of them being able to say no to the others.

“Fine,” he says darkly, trying to keep up the pretence, taking the muddy-looking potion out of James’ hand. “But we are going there to _just_ have a look so that you can start your process of _getting over_ Lily, okay? We are _not_ interrupting her date in any way, not even if she looks bored, or awkward, or if you think Dillon is not paying enough attention, or paying _too much_ attention, alright?” and as James nods enthusiastically, he uncaps the vial, and downs the contents.

He hears Sirius’ “cheers!” before he starts feeling the dull pain of his body changing - and he has to breathe hard to remember that this is what is supposed to happen, that it is not the wolf coming out. 

He can feel when it’s done, so he blinks fast and looks at his hands, much paler and a bit more meaty than his own, with blond hair on the backs and no scars. He looks up, and heaving in front of him, taking off his glasses and casting a quick charm to make his clothes fit, is a white man, probably in his thirties, red-headed, and with a silly, fuzzy moustache.

“Who the hell are we supposed to be, Prongs?” and he’s surprised at his low voice that, well, is not his. He gives a quick glance around the room: in the place that Sirius was, is a muscular man, his dark brown skin shining with sweat after the transformation. Sirius’ self-assured smirk doesn’t quite fit on the gentle face. Where Peter was now is a tall, thinner man, very similar to Sirius. Probably cousins or brothers, he thinks. They have the same gentle mouth and almost sad eyes.

“Whoa!” Peter exclaims, delighted, watching his reflection.

“Just some random people from one of my parent’s summer meetings. Not sure who they were, but they mentioned coming from London, so I don’t think there’s much risk of them being in Hogsmeade. Brilliant, innit?” and even when the voice coming from the redhead is a bit more squeaky than James’, it still carries his enthusiasm.

Remus takes a short look at this body in the mirror - he has a square jaw on a boyish face, freckles, and blond, short hair. He’s about the same height that he really is, but much stockier, broad shoulders and calloused hands gained with years of hard work. His shoes are a tad too big for this body, but he doesn’t want to put stress on the seams with a charm, so he goes and pulls on a couple of thick socks.

“Okay. Ground rules then. We stay together. If we get separated and one of us needs help, we’ll scratch the back of our head and _then_ behind our left ear,” says Sirius, giving Peter _a look_. He has a calm, smoky voice that makes Remus’ eyes fix on the man. He feels something stir inside of him. 

“We are gentlemen in town for top-secret business,” adds James, enthusiastically.

“We have to be back in less than an hour,” adds Remus, “so considering the walk, we are only going to stay for about 15 minutes in the Three Broomsticks, where Lily’s date is. And we are only drinking Butterbeer.” He’s already regretting this. James already looks completely lost in a hopeful bliss at the information about Lily’s date (that only Remus had because of their blossoming friendship as fellow Prefects, which Remus feels is about to end today). Sirius’ shiny eyes, for his part, promise that, of course, he is _not_ going to order Butterbeer.

“Of course, Moony,” says Sirius, and Remus thinks that his fake innocence on that handsome, soft face is more effective than usual. He sighs, defeated, and charms his watch before putting it in his pocket so that it will shake when they have to get back.

Fifteen minutes later they are walking towards the Three Broomsticks, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible, even when Sirius pushes Peter into a puddle and snickers as only a seventeen-year-old can. Remus can’t stop his smile.

“Oh Merlin!” a startled voice makes them stop, and Remus realizes that it is a fourth-year Ravenclaw, who he has seen sneaking around the castle at night. Remus doesn’t have a good feeling about this. The boy has a magical camera on his hands. “Mister Joseph, Mister Grey - It’s an honour to meet you!” The boy seems to be hyperventilating, his gaze shifting from Sirius to Remus. Remus smiles and sends a death glare to James, who just looks startled. He tries to convey his thoughts in that one look - _how could you not know that you used some famous blokes’ hair_ mixed with _fuck you, James, why couldn’t you and Sirius be the famous ones,_ a bit of _I’ll kill you one of these days, you prat_ and just the bare minimum of _this is amusing, alright._

Of course, Sirius is ready to do whatever it takes to make it all about him, so he puffs his chest, proudly, and puts a hand on Remus’ shoulder.

“Ah, hello,” he says, giving a bright smile that seems to get the boy on the verge of a nervous collapse. “Nice to meet you too, young man,” and Remus can see that Sirius is about to dismiss him, telling him that they are in a rush, but the boy interrupts him.

“Please, sir, can I take a picture of you two? We have a club in Hogwarts - well, for, for people _like us_ ,” and Remus tries to find in his brain the information about clubs and societies, coming up blank on the other side. “We have a magazine, and it would be beyond amazing to be able to write an article about you two, and how you have changed things in the wizarding world, with your openness and all your fights against discrimination, and -” the boy is really going for it, isn’t he? He looks passionate and starstruck, and Remus swallows, trying to understand how important this is for him at the same time that he tries to put the pieces of information together to figure out what he’s talking about.

“Of course,” he says, unable to stop the words coming out of his mouth. Sirius looks at him, startled, but nods quickly. The boy jumps delighted, taking a couple of steps back to put them in frame. Remus’ heart is beating wildly in his ribcage - a club with a magazine; he feels he can _almost_ remember what the boy is talking about.

“What do you want us to do in the picture?” Sirius asks, kindly, and Remus thinks he can remember the man at his side when he talks like that. Maybe he heard him on the wireless, he thinks, so he must be pretty famous. Sirius slides his hand onto his back like it’s nothing, and Remus blood runs faster. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands.

“Well…” the boy stutters a bit, and turns red. “Could you, erm, maybe kiss? I’m sorry if that’s too much,” he looks to the ground. “But I know that you always talk about how the Prophet refuses to publish pictures of you two being affectionate, and how that’s double standards, and how you would love to have people seeing how normal a gay couple is…”

And there it is. It is just Remus’ fault, he reckons, biting his lip to stop himself from laughing at his own innocence. How could have he believed that this little adventure could end without an incident that involved humiliating himself?

“No problem, kid,” Sirius says calmly by his side, and Remus is not sure in what kind of parallel universe he is in where Sirius Black, straight-heartthrob-Sirius Black, is okay with kissing Remus Lupin just to avoid breaking a boy’s heart.

Almost in slow motion, he sees Sirius smile while Remus is looking shocked at the purple vapours coming from the camera. And then, Sirius squeezes his back and turns slightly, taking Remus’ chin to make him look at him, and kisses him, softly, chastely.

Remus kisses back, of course. He can’t break the boy’s heart either. 

It can’t be more than a few seconds, and the lips over his are not _Sirius’_ , but when they pull apart, they keep eye contact for a second, and it's _weird_ because Remus expected mockery, or at least mirth hidden in those eyes, but there’s no trace of that. Sirius’ gaze - in brown, warm, almost sad eyes that are not _Sirius’,_ but Mr. Joseph’s, Remus reminds himself - is intense, soft, and hard to read, and Remus can feel his throat working, even when there’s nothing in his mouth. 

He then remembers the camera, so he looks back to it, smiles, waves awkwardly with his big, strong arms, and pulls his chin up, thinking that, well, if Mr Grey is kinda famous for fighting for LGBT people’s rights, he’s probably proud of his job. A few seconds later the camera stops spewing purple smoke, and the boy is almost jumping in place, saying “thank you” over and over again.

Remus dares to look at Sirius, and he feels all his thoughts melt into a warm, fuzzy _nothingness_ at the soft smile in his face.

“Any time,” and it’s James’ borrowed voice, clearly holding in his laughter, that pulls Remus out of his weird contemplation of Mr Joseph’s face. “Now, if you excuse us, young man, we have an urgent meeting, so I’m going to have to snatch the misters away.” 

Remus is tempted to try to run away, hoping that the earth just opens and swallows him, but before he can go for it, Sirius is grabbing his hand with a meaningful look. _Ah, yes_ , this would be a natural thing to do if they were actually boyfriends. He intertwines their fingers, feeling his stomach turn.

The boy waves to them, and thanks them one more time while James pushes Sirius. As soon as he’s out of sight, James, Peter and Sirius start laughing. Remus follows them, a nervous, squeaky sound that knocks all the air out of his lungs.

“ _Oh my god,”_ Peter exclaims in a voice that’s not his own, “I don’t care anymore what happens in the Three Broomsticks, _that_ just made all of this worth it,” and he laughs harder.

“Oh, Godric, the look on Moony’s face,” James adds, smiling, still pushing Sirius’ back.

Remus laughs, feeling something heavy and bitter settling into the depths of his stomach, and suddenly realizes that he and Sirius are still holding hands. He disentangles their fingers.

“Now, now, that’s enough, gentlemen,” Sirius says in that smoky voice, sounding as amused as his friends. “This is all James’ fault for not doing his research about the people we were turning into. Let’s hope no one else recognizes Mr Grey or Mr Joseph; otherwise, you can say goodbye to your _closure_ mission, Prongs.”

Remus nods faintly, feeling a big lump settling in his throat. He clears it before taking his watch from his pocket. He sounds almost normal when he says “We only have half an hour left. Let’s hope no one else recognizes us.”

In his mind, he remembers the ground rules and thinks _fuck it_ , because if they manage to get into the pub, there’s no way he’s not ordering a firewhiskey.

\---

**4\. Seventh year**

Remus is just _done_ with them. His friends, that is. Particularly James and Sirius. So done that he has decided to stop trying to be mature about this, and to just take advantage of the situation, in the hope of a good laugh and to see how far they are willing to go.

The thing is that with last year’s Marauders’ debacle - well, it was mostly Sirius’ and James’ debacle, even though Remus was heavily involved -, named by Sirius _the Prank on Snape_ and by James the _You almost killed a person and could have condemned one of your best friends to be killed too, you asshole_ , the two of them have been behaving ridiculously solicitous with Remus. And Remus can’t take it anymore. He was clear enough from the beginning: he doesn’t care what happened since _nothing_ happened. Snape wasn’t hurt, he wasn’t hurt, and even more, with the whole business, Snape stopped following him around school since he now knows the truth. And okay, yeah, he had to give up his prefecture because he didn’t want more attention cast in his direction, but who cares? It was more of a bother than anything, and now James is headboy and he’s surprisingly getting along with Lily.

Mind you, he knows Sirius was an impulsive arse and he was glad to see the mark of James’ knuckles high on his cheekbone for a week, but there’s nothing more to do or say about it, and he prefers having his friends by his side rather than holding a grudge. 

Even more importantly, that was _last year_ , so why, by Godric, are they still acting like Remus is made of glass? Right now, Peter is the only Marauder that Remus can tolerate for more than an hour, because James looks at him like he’s about to burst into tears at any moment, asks him if he needs anything every fifteen minutes, and questions him insistently about his feelings, or Snape, or the Prank, at least once a week; and Sirius - well, _Sirius._ Remus is not sure if it’s worse or better, but Sirius acts like the Prank is in the past, but keeps his eyes on Remus _all the fucking time_ , and as soon as Remus shows any discomfort, he is there with whatever his ridiculous mind thinks Remus needs. He’s generally right, of course, and Remus is quite snugly wrapped in a blanket that Sirius brought him, but other times, it is just too much: mainly when the flowers or the new clothes appear, or, what made him flush with shame and anger, the _massage oils._

So even when he’s warm in his blanket, he decides to _keep pushing_ , to see how far they are willing to go until they realize that he likes them because they are his friends, not because they are keeping his dirty little secret. 

So he’ll try an idea, and since Peter is not in the dorm with them, he can push further without being discovered.

“Say, Padfoot, Prongs, did you know that I haven’t snogged anyone yet?” he says, without taking his eyes from his book.

It’s an utter lie because Remus has kissed a few girls, only that, well, it didn’t do much for him. He’s a bit uncomfortable to admit that when he wanks, it’s not to the memories of trembling hands pushing his own palms over soft breasts, but to faceless bodies grinding against him.

The silence that follows is broken a few seconds later by a weirdly high-pitched Sirius. Remus has to bite the inside of his cheek to avoid smirking. “Oh, really, Moony? Well, that doesn’t make any sense, since you are all cute, er, and, handsome, and responsible and all that…”

“Yeah!” James adds, and Remus has to look up, surprised, because he was ready for Sirius’ compliments because, well, he’s just like that, but James? James is too awkward to mention any boy’s body, much less his friend’s. “Lots of girls have asked me about you. They really dig the mysterious-but-gentle vibe.” 

Sirius is nodding vigorously from his bed. Remus clears his throat and tries to not laugh because this is not what he expected, but it might be better. 

“Well, you see…” And he can _see_ how James and Sirius are hanging to every word he’s saying. “You remember when I went on a date with Jade Cowell last year, right?” They nod, like a couple of puppies, and Remus puts his book down and his blanket back, playing shyly with the hem of his shirt. “Well, I couldn’t muster up the courage to kiss her. I was too nervous.” _Lies_ , he thinks to himself, satisfied. He had snogged the girl until both of them were breathless, precisely because he hadn’t been nervous at all. And that was actually the problem, he thinks - he hasn’t felt anything, not nervousness, not _anything_.

“Oh, there’s nothing to be nervous about, Moony!” Sirius gets on his feet and goes to sit on his bed, putting a reassuring hand on Remus’ knee, making him jump, surprised, his eyes going to those fingers, softly petting him. “Kissing girls is _easy_. You just follow their lead at the beginning and try not to use too much tongue, until _they_ show you that they want that. Oh, and don’t bite them the first time you snog! Not all of them like that,” he says, and Remus is about to burst into laughter, because, what kind of pep talk is this? He pushes his lips together and covers them with his hand, trying to pass it off like he’s thinking hard about it. 

He can see James nodding enthusiastically from his bed. The prat kissed a girl when he was thirteen and had talked about it for years, only shutting up about it in sixth year, when Lily Evans started being the only thing he could think about.

“Okay, that makes sense,” and he can’t stop himself from laughing, but it sounds like a nervous reflex, so it’s all good. “Only, I think I could do better with a step-by-step explanation,” and _score_ , he can see Sirius’ eyes widening and James’ jaws falling open. “Would you two kiss to show me?” he adds, putting his hands behind him to rest his weight, ready to enjoy the show of his friends squirming and stuttering half-lies to get out of this.

_Now I just have to wait until the Sickle drops and they realize how utterly stupid what I’m asking is, so I can point out how stupid their behaviour has been_ , he thinks.

“Sure thing, Moony!” Sirius says, forcing an awkward smile, and Remus feels cold wash over his back, because he didn’t expect him to agree. He looks desperately at James, who’s brown cheeks are getting weirdly coloured. _Is James Potter blushing?_ he thinks with disbelief. In all these years, he’s never seen this occur.

“Uh, actually…” James says, and he looks torn apart, “the thing is… well…” Remus feels relieved; there’s no way they are doing this - he should have seen the trap in his own stupid plan, he thinks now, but thankfully, it’s ending here.

Sirius turns towards James, and mutters between his teeth, “We can do this _for Moony_ , can’t we, Prongs?”

_Oh no._

James pales and looks miserable. Oh, so they have talked about the shit they are pulling on Remus, that’s just _fantastic_. This is a joint effort to try to make him feel, what, comfortable? To do whatever he says until he feels included again? Oh, they are both so stupid.

“The thing is, I’m with Lily! She agreed to be my girlfriend yesterday,” James blurts in one breath, and gets to his feet, grabbing his hair nervously. “I’m sorry, Moony, I’m so sorry, but I can’t. I’ll just…”

And Remus is about to laugh and explain that this is just him messing up with them, when Sirius bolts towards him, eyes ablaze. 

“Well then, only one way to show you,” and with that, he grabs Remus’ neck and pulls him forward. Remus knows, he _knows_ he can stop him, he knows that Sirius is giving him the time to pull away, but he can’t seem to be able to stop himself, so he leans forward, shocked at the situation, shocked at himself, and opens his lips when Sirius softly pushes his own against them.

_Fuck_ , Remus thinks, when he opens his mouth, following Sirius’ lead, because he’s supposed to be an inexperienced dolt, isn’t he? And _fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck,_ he thinks, when he feels dizzy with Sirius’ tongue tangling with his. He can feel his belly full of butterflies and his arms trembling, threatening to give out so that he ends up with Sirius fully on top of him.

And that’s enough to make him pull away, putting a hand on Sirius’ shoulders to keep him at arm’s length. Sirius looks back at him, surprised.

“I was taking the mickey!” he squeaks out, his voice high and panicky. “I just wanted to see how far you two would take this stupid thing - whatever it is that you are doing! I don’t know, trying to get on my good side, treating me like I’m this fragile baby! I wasn’t - I didn’t,” he trails off, looking at James, who’s standing open-mouthed by the door.

They are both yanked out of their staring contest by Sirius’ barking laugh. 

Remus looks at him, dumbfounded, and sees how Sirius falls back on the bed, still laughing, trying to dry tears of mirth out of his eyes.

“Oh, _fuck_ , Moony,” Sirius manages to say, “alright, fine, message received. We’ll stop fussing about you,” and just like that, Remus feels like he can breathe again. Before he realizes, he and James are laughing too.

_Fucking idiots_ , he thinks, and they keep laughing for what feels like at least half an hour.

It’s only later at night, behind closed bed-curtains, that Remus allows himself to think bitterly, that, _well, fuck, I think I might be gay. Of course_ , he sighs in the dark. Like he hadn’t already known.

\---

**5\. Six months after graduation**

They are in a broom cupboard - a small, uncomfortable cupboard - he and Sirius, where they’ve cast a couple of charms to make a small hole in the floor and amplify the voices of the people in the room beneath them so that they can hear them.

The thing is, when you have friends like James Potter, doing dumb things doesn’t end with school, not even when he already got the girl and they are in the middle of a war (although, Remus is thankful, in a war that hasn’t hit them completely yet - they are too young, too inexperienced to be sent on long missions). So here they are, doing stupid shit yet again, while James tries to cover for them, and Wormtail is God knows where, in his rat form, listening to who knows what information that James needs to finish his plan. A plan to ask Lily to marry him.

So Sirius and Remus are cramped in a supply cupboard, just above the main room of the Order’s headquarters where Lily and a couple of her friends are meeting, so that they can get information about her weekend, or something like that. Remus doesn’t remember well what they were supposed to gather, not when his back is flush against Sirius’ chest and Sirius’ breath tickles his neck, because half of the room is full of brooms and buckets, and Sirius had just pulled him against his body when he tried to stand awkwardly in the middle of the room, over the hole where the sound is coming from. Sirius had grumbled that if they wanted to hear something, Remus needed to stop squirming around, so now he’s here, in between Sirius’ arms that are hugging his shoulders to keep him in his place.

He really is trying to hear what Lily is saying, he is, but Sirius breathes slowly and deeply, and that makes him _feel things_. Awful, awful things that he can’t stop thinking about now. And it's not like Remus has _a thing_ for Sirius in particular - although Sirius is handsome, Remus can't deny it. He's come a long way since he accepted he liked men, over a year ago, and accepting that he finds one of his friends attractive has been part of the process. Not that that has anything to do with all of his attempts at relationships failing, nor with the fact that he's half-hard with the soft tickles of Sirius' breaths. Nothing to do with that; this is just a physical reaction and a side effect of the rush that doing these stupid tasks always gives him. He scolds himself again, trying to focus his attention on the girls’ words.

He’s tempted to try to wriggle his way out of Sirius’ arms, or even better, to just get out of the cupboard and tell Sirius that he can carry out the rest of the “mission” by himself, when Sirius puts one of his big hands over Remus’ hip and shushes him.

And then Remus hears it too - there’s someone coming into the room where the cupboard is. He hastily casts the counterspell to stop the sound from the room beneath.

“Who’s that?” Sirius mutters in his ear, urgently. 

Before he can think about it, Remus turns, his wand still in his hand, and puts his forearm on Sirius’ chest to try to keep some distance between them. A broom pokes him on the ribs, and he tries to accommodate it without making much noise.

“I don’t know. I think it’s two or three people, probably having a short meeting. Let’s stay quiet -” he mutters against his friend’s ear, his lips almost touching his earlobe in the dark. The voices get louder. “Shit, fuck, I think they are coming over. Fuck, fuck, if we are found out here, we are going to be deep in shit.”

“Fuck,” Sirius mutters, his hand on Remus’ hip going tense when they hear the voices getting closer and closer. The Prewetts, Remus thinks. “C’mon, Moony, kiss me,” he adds quickly, and Remus can’t stop the jerk of his head nor the clattering that his wand makes when he loses his grip on it at the whispered words. 

“What? What?” is all he can say. The voices stop outside the cupboard. Remus is not sure how many seconds they have before being found out.

“Let’s pretend we are having a go at each other, secretly.” Sirius stops for half a second, like he can feel Remus’ shock. “C’mon, Moony, it’s better than having to make up an excuse about why we are here. You know how paranoid everyone is getting, they won’t believe that we were just helping Prongs with his engagement plans. And we can sell it - that we are together, or something like that.” Sirius talks against his ear, fast and hot, and there’s an edge in his voice, like he’s nervous, but also sure about this being the best course of action. 

The Prewetts are talking and laughing just outside the door, so Remus thinks _fuck it_ , _let this be what it is_.

“Fine, fuck, okay,” he mumbles daftly, and in the dark, reaches for Sirius’ face, to try to calculate where his mouth is. He brushes his thumb over Sirius’ lips and his heart skips a beat when he finds them already a bit parted. Sirius has a nice mouth, he thinks, and he has been in close contact with it in the past, so this can’t be too bad.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he takes a long, shaky breath, and while Sirius’ hands come to his back to push him even closer, he opens his mouth and, _Gods be good and take him to port_ , launches himself forward, until he finds Sirius’ mouth. And suddenly they are _snogging_. Not sharing chaste kisses, not awkward, accidental tongues-in-mouths, not half kisses interrupted because of Remus’ scruples, but full-on snogging.

Sirius’ tongue is demanding and hot, and makes it hard for Remus to think and remember to breathe. He tangles his fingers in Sirius’ hair, and _oh wow,_ he had never given himself the chance to recognize how much he wanted to do that. A muffled moan, almost a whimper, comes from deep in his chest, and he would be ashamed, but Sirius is breathing hard and fast, his fingers digging in his back, pushing, pushing, pushing. 

Sirius’ pulls back for a second to change the angle, and gazes his teeth on Remus’ bottom lip, and Remus is _dying,_ and he never thought his thoughts could be this dramatic, but he’s _dying_ with desire when he feels Sirius’ hips pushing forward, and _oh fuck_ , _is Sirius Black hard and rubbing against him?_ No, it has to be only his wishful mind. He doesn’t linger on that, because Sirius’ tongue is back in his mouth, enthusiastically searching for his, and all the chances of making sense of _this,_ whatever it is, go out the window.

They keep snogging, and Remus doesn’t want it to end. He feels Sirius’ hands slowly trailing low down his back, stopping to play with the hem of his trousers. And damn, if they are going to pretend to be snogging, better make it right, he thinks, before grabbing one of Sirius’ hands and putting it firmly on his bum, moaning softly when Sirius squeezes him, pulling him even closer. Remus’ breath hitches yet again when Sirius’ other hand sneaks under his clothes, groping his ass more firmly, hot skin against hot skin, and Remus can’t stop the jerk of his hips at the contact, losing himself in the sensation of Sirius’ groan vibrating in his mouth. In the back of his brain he can vaguely recall that the Prewetts were about to open the closet, but he can no longer think about why they were doing this. He just pushes harder against Sirius, and grabbing his neck, takes control of the kiss, slowing down for a bit, trying to commit to memory the feeling of Sirius’ shaky breaths on his cheek, the shape of Sirius’ bottom lip between his teeth.

“Oh fuck!” comes the yelp, almost at the same time that light floods into the cupboard, and Remus freezes, his mouth parting from Sirius’. He blinks owlishly, barely registering that Sirius’ hands have stopped squeezing his ass, but are still resting against it. Sirius’ face turns in the direction of the door, but Remus can’t turn with him. He can only breath, trying to regain some control of his body, and keep blinking, fixing his eyes on Sirius’ neck, where his thumbs are pushing softly against his windpipe. “Fucking hell, mates, get a fucking room!” comes the indignant voice of Gideon, Remus thinks, before the door is slammed shut again.

From outside the door, they hear Fabian laugh and mutter “fucking knew it,” and that’s all it takes before Remus starts laughing, quickly without control, while he pushes away from Sirius, grabs his wand from the floor, and gets out of the cupboard and into the now empty room.

And he keeps laughing while Sirius gets out too, and puts a warm hand on Remus’ shoulder and says, “Told you it would work,” so proud of himself.

And fucking hell, Remus thinks, but he apparently has a huge crush on Sirius, because he can’t stop laughing, even when he tries to mumble an excuse under his breath before running out of the room to the garden where he can apparate away.

\---

**+1**

After _snogging Sirius in a cupboard_ , Remus has only one plan in his mind: Avoid him. He’s good at avoiding people, so it shouldn’t be hard.

The first week goes by fairly smoothly - he only sees Sirius in a couple of meetings for the Order, and even when Sirius keeps trying to catch his eye, Remus manages to sneak out every time. Sirius doesn’t try to contact him by owl, and Remus throws himself into the mountains of scrolls he’s been assigned to review, and the practical training he’s having to undergo to improve his wandless magic, which none of his friends have to do because they are not werewolves.

But then comes James’ owl, inviting them to celebrate his engagement. It’s only the five of them, so Remus sits by Lily and keeps talking with her, engaging in the general conversation only when James is there, so that he can be sure that someone else has Sirius’ attention. It’s a bit hard to avoid being alone with Sirius, and it’s the first time that Remus realizes how many things they do together - _Sirius-and-Remus doing the dishes, Remus-and-Sirius going to buy a few more bottles of wine, Sirius-and-Remus actually carrying out James’ plan of having a huge party at the Headquarters…_

But he manages. He asks Peter for help with the dishes, tells James to go with Sirius, and dismisses the idea of having a party in these times, aside from Lily’s and James’ wedding, because _seriously, James? Times are not easy right now and we don’t need half of the Order drunk and unable to answer a call._

Later in the night, he can see Sirius getting up to sit in Lily’s spot while she is looking for _something_ in the kitchen - Was it a deck of cards? Some pictures? Remus is not sure - so he stands up abruptly, says that he has to go, and pulls Lily towards the master bedroom where their coats are, ignoring Sirius’ voice calling him weakly. He hugs Lily, and then goes back and hugs James, and squeezes Peter’s and Sirius’ shoulders, while joking with James about not having anyone to bring for their wedding, feeling Sirius’ eyes heavy on him. 

He breathes relieved when he grabs the Floo powder without being stopped.

Another week goes by, this time with no news from Sirius. He’s not at the Order’s meetings, so Remus gets a bit restless. He doesn’t ask James though, because then it’ll be clear that he hasn’t been talking with Sirius like they usually do, and he doesn’t want to answer awkward questions about that, nor about the, er, _kiss_. Not that he thinks Sirius has told anyone, but still. Better play safe than be sorry later. 

In the quiet of his home, he can admit that he misses Sirius like crazy. Hell, he misses all of his friends, because it’s hard to avoid one without avoiding the others, but still. He misses Sirius, particularly. He misses the way his eyes brighten up when he laughs. How he puts a hand on Remus’ back when they walk together and Remus laughs, knowing that Remus closes his eyes while laughing, becoming a public danger. In his mind, it looks like he’s always laughing with Sirius, and oh damn, how evident might his crush be for everyone else, he wonders. He misses how warm he feels every time they are together. He misses Sirius pointing to random things in Muggle London, asking Remus about them, and how he comes up with the most amazing ideas about them.

He misses Sirius’ warmth when he hugs him, and the smell of his neck, where Remus always ends up resting his head. He misses the casual touches when they wash the dishes at James-and-Lily’s.

On Monday, Sirius is at his door. There’s a cut on his cheek, and Remus gasps, feeling his throat get dry. Sirius is inside his flat before he realizes it.

“Moony,” he says, and Remus feels utterly lost.

“What happened? Do you need murtlap for your face?” he asks, turning towards the bathroom to avoid having to keep eye contact with Sirius.

“No,” Sirius says firmly, grabbing his arm softly. “It’s okay. I was on a mission. Let’s just say that Muggle men in pubs don’t like to be asked questions about the whereabouts of a person they think is their mate. And flirting your way out of it doesn’t properly work,” he adds, smiling.

Remus can’t stop himself from laughing, disbelieving. “You tried to flirt with muggle men in a regular pub?”

Sirius shrugs, his hand still on Remus’ arm. “Forgot about the prejudices in the Muggle world,” he says, simply.

Remus smiles brightly and swallows hard. He forgets sometimes how open Sirius is, how clearly he sees things, how he would never reject someone for who they are. He feels guilt building in his guts for not trusting his friends’ responses enough to come out to them.

“Let me at least make you some tea. I was about to make some for myself either way,” and he manages to disentangle himself from Sirius’ grasp without making it look like he’s running to hide in the kitchen.

Unluckily for him, Sirius follows after him and perches himself on the kitchen door’s frame. Remus busies himself with the tea, but after a few minutes, he has no excuse to not look at his friend, so he starts to haphazardly rearrange the things on the counter.

“Moony,” Sirius says again, and there’s something like uncertainty in his voice that makes Remus look up.

And _oh fuck,_ but Sirius is looking at him, full of intensity, and even when he looks tired, he’s still _so fucking handsome_.

“I think I’m in love with you,” Sirius says, like he’s just stating that _it’s Monday,_ or that _he wants to do the crossword together_ , or that _he’ll take his tea with_ _two sugars, no milk._

Remus looks at him, and he can only see sincerity in Sirius’ eyes. The scrape on his cheek makes him look so much older.

“What?” he asks smiling, because it has to be a joke. Sirius keeps his eyes on him and doesn’t answer. Remus' smile falters. “What do you mean, Sirius? That’s not - that’s not how love works.” He is having trouble with his thoughts, and he can’t read Sirius’ face, for the first time since he has known him. “You don’t go and fall in love with someone, you, you get to know them,” Sirius arches an eyebrow, and Remus swallows and shakes his head. “No, no, listen, you get into a relationship and _learn_ how to love them - _as partners_.”

Sirius frowns.

“You don’t get to tell me how I feel, Remus. If you don’t want me back, it’s okay. But you can’t just dismiss my feelings, you ass,” he says with a proud smile that makes relief flood into Remus’ chest even though he still sees that hint of anger in Sirius’ eyes. “And fuck off, you know what I mean, so don’t try to overanalyze it.”

Remus feels a bit dizzy, and he can’t break eye contact with Sirius. He thinks that’s okay, because his mind is clearing and things are starting to fall into place, even though his stomach doesn’t get the memo and stays in freefall. He breathes, feeling the tingling of nervousness disappearing - he knows this is almost too much, and these next minutes might be life-changing, but this is also so _normal_ , so _them,_ that he can’t stop the smile creeping onto his face. He can do this, he realizes. He can get the upper hand because he _does_ think he knows what Sirius means.

He takes a step towards Sirius.

“You want to be with me?” he asks, keeping the eye contact, his voice only a bit wobbly. He’s not ready to give in, to run towards Sirius and just kiss him after he said more than Remus ever expected him to say. He needs to know that this is real, that Sirius will love him as he is. He needs to _hear_ Sirius saying that he has thought this through, that this isn’t another whim, that it’s not just a mistake in his otherwise quite straight history of relationships.

He takes another step, while Sirius, with his soft, beautiful eyes still on him, shrugs, gives him a cocky smile, and nods. 

“You want to kiss me?” he asks, and his voice is husky but firm. 

“Yeah. I also want to hold your hand,” Sirius says, completely honest, and that is what stops Remus from laughing. He’s too shocked at the simplicity and clarity of Sirius, and how he can make such a statement sound like a life-declaration. 

Another step, and he’s leaning on the other side of the door frame, looking straight into Sirius’ eyes, and there’s curiosity, and something more in there. Maybe desire, Remus dares to hope. Remus swallows and plays with his lips for a second, making up his mind about his next step. He can feel Sirius’ eyes trained on his mouth.

“You want to get your lips on my neck, bite me, lick me - put my ear between your teeth while you moan so that I can hear you?”

Sirius looks surprised for only half a second, his mouth in the shape of an _o_ before he closes his mouth, swallows thickly, and his eyes go to Remus’ neck, mapping it. Remus cocks his head, feeling the tension building up inside of him at the feeling of those eyes all over his skin.

“Yeah,” and Sirius’ voice doesn’t allow any doubt, because it’s heavy with desire. “I want to. I want to touch you,” he adds, putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans, drawing Remus’ gaze towards his hips.

And _oh, fuck,_ Remus can feel his heart jumping in his chest. _Sirius is getting hard_ , he realizes, and his heart doubles its rhythm. He can imagine himself getting used to that thought in his everyday life - Sirius looking at him with desire, getting hard because of him. Their eyes meet again, and there’s electricity in the air. They are so close - Remus only needs to take two steps and he’ll be all over Sirius - and yet, he rests his back more firmly on the door frame, his head falling back against the wood. Sirius does the same, and they look at each other, like they are rivals sizing each other up.

Of course, after seeing Sirius’ reaction to his last question, he feels more bold and confident. He still has to muster up his courage, because this might be where Sirius backs down.

“You want to go down on your knees in front of me?” he pauses, feeling his throat bobbing, hearing in the silence how Sirius’ breath becomes faster and erratic, “get to know how I taste in your mouth?” Remus hasn’t even finished the sentence and Sirius is nodding, firmly, apparently having as much difficulty as Remus is having to get the words out of his mouth.

He can’t properly remember his reasons for doing this, but _fuck_ , this is hot, and he can’t believe that it’s real. Sirius wants him, actually wants him. 

Remus’ voice is trembling the next time he speaks, after a beat of silence where they keep eye contact. Remus barely registers his out-of-control breathing, and his too-tight-trousers.

“What else do you want to do to me?”

Sirius wets his lips and looks at him up and down slowly - Remus can feel his eyes on his mouth, his throat, his shoulders, his navel, his groin, and even his tights and knees - and Remus almost loses it at that and jumps on him. He breathes, fast and short, and smiles faintly, keeping his eyes on Sirius’, waiting for an answer.

“I want to be with you, Remus.” Sirius says simply, his deep voice firm. His eyes are full of meaning, but then he smirks, and _oh boy_ , Remus knows now that he’s doomed. “I want to get to know what you like - I want to see you touch yourself. I want to fuck you,” he enumerates, pausing between phrases, and Remus is hot and throbbing and _fuck_ , he can’t take his eyes off Sirius. “I want to make you come, memorize your face when you can’t go anymore and your smiles when you are happy and content. I want to wake up with you, have breakfast with you,” and Sirius’ tone grows more desperate, like he is getting to the end of his cord, like this is the most important part of their talk, even when they have been dirty talking, when they haven’t even kissed yet. At some level, Remus knows that this _is_ more important _._ “I want to go out with you to fucking bookstores and parties and grab your hand in public, and see you every afternoon after work, tired and grumpy, and kiss you and haul you into my lap until you are smiling and panting. I want to be there after the moon, kiss your eyelids and hear you hum when you wake up. I want _everything_ , Remus,” he adds after a pause, full of intensity, full of desperation.

And that’s what does it for Remus, because he can’t wait anymore. He knows he’s out of breath already when he moves away from the door frame, and so is Sirius when he meets him in the middle. Remus’ hands come up to Sirius’ face, looking deeply into his eyes, where he sees the infinity of a promised future - a future for both of them. And it isn’t that different from what they have, and yet, it yields all the love and happiness that he can think of. 

“I want that too,” he says, barely a whisper, while his lips are brushing Sirius’. Their mouths crash, hard, desperately, in a deep kiss. Remus knows how Sirius’ mouth feels under his, and yet it’s so different from last time. He’s certain now about his own feelings as much as Sirius’, and he doesn’t feel like he’s taking something that is not for him - he feels at home, ready to give this a try. He sighs into Sirius’ mouth, and Sirius’ hands pull him closer, his fingertips digging into his back just like they did a couple of weeks ago. 

When they pull apart, Sirius looks relieved and happy, and when he leans in again, the kiss he gives Remus is sweet and soft, and conveys so many things, that Remus feels like crying. 

Instead, he smiles, and kisses back.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!! Please let me know what you think about it in the comments or with kudos!
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/wanderingbandurria) where I'm not really sure what to do. I still love getting to know new people tho!!


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